You can either scroll down or click here to read (or reread) Part One. With that out of the way, let's get down to it.
40.) Tommy Lee Jones [Actor]: Tommy Lee Jones is an Academy Award winning actor courtesy of The Fugitive. He should have won another one for U.S. Marshals, but there is no justice in Hollywood. He also did an awesome job voicing Chip Hazzard in the classic film Small Soldiers, which featured the voice talents of two people who also made this list. He was also Al Gore's roommate at Harvard, where he was a star offensive tackle back when football was really manly and graduated cum laude. The main reason he makes the list (besides the aforementioned U.S. Marshals) is the combination of his pockmarked, bulldoglike face and the sweetest voice that doesn't belong to Bill Pullman.
39.) Ernest Borgnine [Actor]: Ernest Borgnine appears in three of the manliest movies of all-time - The Dirty Dozen, The Wild Bunch, and Escape From New York. He is also 93 years old, which is rather impressive for a dude of his build and profession. How has he made it this long? Well, his answer to that question is possibly the manliest one ever given. Watch and learn.
38.) Charlie Sheen [Actor/convict]: Charlie Sheen is currently the highest paid actor on tv, making over a million bucks an episode for Two and a Half Men, a "comedy" on CBS. The fact that he can command that much for that show is reason enough to put him on the list. He also has quite the list of both sexual conquests and arrests. I mean seriously, the lists for both are staggering. He also is a Truther, which is pretty neat. Charlie is a pretty serious scumbag, as anyone who beats his wife/buys hookers regularly/shoots cocaine is. Despite that, he has some charisma. He was obviously the bad guy in his divorce with Denise Richards, yet he somehow came out of it as the sympathetic one. Charlie Sheen is completely ridiculous.
37.) Chuck Palahniuk [Author]: Chuck Palahniuk is the author of Fight Club, Choke, and Haunted. His books are some of the manliest around. Fight Club, in particular the character Tyler Durden, set the standard for what masculinity looked and acted like for a solid decade. How many imitation "fight clubs" were set up idiot dudes after the book and movie were released? The best part of Chuck Palahniuk being responsible for that is the fact that he is gay. Just goes to show that the creator of something manly and masculine doesn't have to be heterosexual. For that and the fact that his books are fucking awesome, he makes the list.
36.) Ron Perlman [Actor]: Ron Perlman is the modern day Lon Chaney; that is to say, he is the current era's "Man of 1,000 Faces." Right now he is on TV's manlest show, Sons of Anarchy, where he plays the leader of the Sons. Before that he played Hellboy in two awesome movies and was the Beauty in the old Beauty and the Beast TV show. With Linda Hamilton in that show, he certainly wasn't gonna play the Beast. He has also voiced Batman in a cartoon and has been in a bunch of other things where he has had to wear prosthetics. Ron makes the list because he is usually awesome in whatever he is in and his recent work has been pretty badass.
35.) Sean Connery [Actor]: Connery's inclusion on the list is obviously due to the fact he played James Bond perfectly. This was back when Bond could slap bitches, drink and smoke constantly, and be generally awesome. His James Bond set the standard for manliness for a couple generations of moviegoers until Jason Bourne went and ruined that. He was also awesome as Indiana Jones' dad and for saying, "You're the man now dog!" He probably would have been higher on the list, but Zardoz is inexcusable.
34.) Robert De Niro [Actor]: At one point, DeNiro was the greatest actor alive. Raging Bull and Taxi Driver both feature some of the greatest acting ever. He was scary as hell in Cape Fear and funny as hell in Jackie Brown. The dude became a cabbie for months to prep for Taxi Driver and put on a ton of weight to play Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. He was also the best part of Godfather II. At some point in the late 1990s and early 200s, he either gave up on being an incredible actor or was just suddenly given shit roles by movie studios because he has not been particularly impressive in a movie since Cop Land. He makes the list because of all the reasons I mentioned. His drop-off hasn't been severe enough to ignore the prior thirty years of manliness.
33.) Mark Valley [Actor]: Mark Valley is the star of FOX's Human Target, which is the manliest show on network TV. He doesn't make the list just because of this. He makes it because he is a legitimate badass, having served in the Gulf War. After that he wrote a one man show about being in the military and segued that into a career in acting. Before becoming the man on Human Target, he was the second best part of Fringe behind the dude who plays Walter Bishop. His marriage last year to Anna Torv, the most annoying member of Fringe dropped him a bit, but his divorce to her this year is mildly redeeming.
32.) Mike Ness [Lead Singer, Social Distortion]: Mike Ness is the punk rock Springsteen. He's also the coolest mother fucker in the history of life. You really need to see Social Distortion live to realize this. Mike Ness and Social D are what Green Day and Rancid wished they could be. The only reason he isn't ranked higher is due to the fact that his cowboy hat look when he does his country singing side project is totally lame.
31.) Forrest Griffin [MMA Fighter, Author]: Forrest Griffin is one of the people responsible for the explosion of the UFC due to his stint on the first season of their reality show The Ultimate Fighter. He is also mental. His newest book is called Be Ready When the Shit Goes Down: A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse. He has also been known to state that he doesn't really get involved in his fights until he eats a punch or two to the face. He has a reputation for fighting people without really giving a shit about who it is or what happens to him. Like the Anderson Silva fight, if you want to call that a fight. Points off to Forrest for running out of the cage crying like a baby after this drubbing and hiding out for months afterwards. Understandable yes, manly no.
That does it for this installment. Part three should be up in the near future.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Fifty Manliest Dudes Alive, Part One
Greetings readers, and welcome to my first blog post in almost four months. Rather than give some lameass excuses as to why I so infrequently update this, let's just get right into the blogging. As you can probably guess by the title, I am going to present the Fifty Manliest Dudes Alive. There are a few qualifications for this list, which are as follows:
1.) The person has to be male.
2.) The person has to be alive.
3.) The person has to be manly and not someone who wishes he was manly, so you won't see Quentin Tarantino or anyone like that here.
With that out of the way, let's start it up with our number 50 dude.
50.) Kurt Sutter [Writer]: Kurt Sutter makes the list for being the creator, executive producer of and lead writer for Sons of Anarchy, as well as a staff writer and producer on The Shield. For those that are not in the know, those are easily the two manliest shows on television in the past decade and the fact that he has had a hand in both shows means he must be at least a little bit manly. Also, he is married to Katey Sagal, who you might know better as Peg Bundy on Married With Children. How fucking sweet is that?
49.) Katsumi Yamada [Ninja Warrior Legend]: Katsumi Yamada is a regular contestant on the Japanese game show Ninja Warrior, which is like that ABC show Wipeout, but grueling and manly. On the show, there are four absurd obstacle course stages to clear in order to win the show. In it's history, the course has only been completed a few times. Yamada has competed in 23 Ninja Warrior competitions and has never won. It his life goal to win the show. He takes it so seriously that when the factory he worked at was shut down, he built his own fucking Ninja Warrior course so he can practice all year round in the hopes of winning. After devoting his life and time to Ninja Warrior and not finding a new career, his family disowned him. He once said, "For me there is nothing else except [Ninja Warrior]." For all that, he is called "Mr. Ninja Warrior" and has to be on this list.
48.) Tarmo Mitt [World's Strongest Man Legend]: Tarmo Mitt is owner of one of the manliest names on the list and is the only Estonian to make it. He was a top ten finisher in the always manly World's Strongest Man Competition from 2005-2008. He never won the contest, but he was a regular in the contest and his name is fucking Tarmo Mitt. That's a sweet name and he is a sweet dude.
47.) Elmore Leonard [Author]: Elmore Leonard is one of the foremost writers of pulp/mystery/crime novels over the course of the last fifty years. The following movies/TV shows have been made out of his books - Jackie Brown, Out of Sight, 3:10 to Yuma, Justified, Killshot, Mr. Majestyk, Get Shorty, Be Cool, The Big Bounce, Hombre, and Joe Kidd. These have featured such manly dudes as Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Charlie Sheen, Harvey Keitel, Charles Bronson, Gene Hackman, Timothy Olyphant, Mickey Rourke, Robert Forster, Christian Bale, and Mickey Rourke. Most of his books are pretty awesome and even though he is 85, he continues to put out a book or two a year. Not bad for an old man.
46.) Nikki Sixx [Bassist, Motley Crue]: Nikki Sixx wasn't going to make my list originally, as he is a bit of a lunkhead, hooked up with Kat Von D, and his non-Crue side projects suck. I decided he had to make it just because of the fact he was declared legally dead for two minutes after he ODed on heroin. It took two shots of adrenaline to bring him back to life, then when he went back home he shot up again, passed out with the needle in his arm and decided he had a drug problem after waking up in a pool of his own blood. It's also the impetus for him writing "Kickstart My Heart." What a sweet story.
45.) Ace Frehley [Former lead guitarist, KISS]: Ace Frehley is the all-time best member of KISS, both in terms of talent and awesomeness. In 1978, each KISS member made a solo album and his was by far the best. He also wrote the most rocking songs of the KISS catalog. His song "Shock Me" was written when he grabbed a rail on the KISS stage, was electrocuted, and almost died. He quit the band in 1982 after they decided to make a lame concept album, then quit again in 2000 when he decided Gene and Paul suck and it was time to put KISS out of its misery. He also took part in one of the greatest interviews of alltime with Tom Snyder. He makes the list because he is an awesome guitarist and all around awesome dude.
44.) Steve Nash [Point Guard, Phoenix Suns]: Steve Nash is the best Canadian player in NBA history and quite possibly the funniest. He is responsible for making basketball fun and exciting again starting in the mid-2ooos. He is also one of the toughest dudes in the modern era of the NBA. I have seen him get bodychecked into a scorer's table, elbowed in the teeth hard enough to lose one, headbutted in the nose so hard his face looked like a crime scene, and elbowed in the eye hard enough to swell it shut immediately. Each time, he hopped right back up and got right into the game again. He is one of the most intense competitors in the league, it is just too bad that his team has been a bunch of wimps over the years and don't back him up whenever he gets roughed up.
43.) Ray Lewis [Linebacker, Baltimore Ravens]: Ray Lewis has been one of the best linebackers in the NFL for a long-ass time now. He is the only linebacker to win the Super Bowl MVP and people are generally scared of him on and off the field. This ties into why I am not ranking him higher. He may or may not have killed someone. Can't get behind that. There's a line between manly and crazy and killing does in fact cross that line.
42.) Kurt Angle [Wrestler]: Kurt Angle is a 1996 gold medalist from the Olympics in wrestling and is one of the more successful pro wrestlers of the last decade. He is also one of the toughest and craziest dudes in wrestling history. First, he won the aforementioned gold medal while having a broken neck. While in the WWF/E, he was one of the most popular performers and one of the most skilled. He also rebroke his neck a handful of times to the point where he probably should have stopped working matches. This didn't stop him and before he was fired by WWE, he worked a match while suffering a neck injury, broken rib and strained hamstring all at the same time. He then failed wellness tests for steroids and had a pretty major painkiller problem. When he refused to take time off to rehabilitate, the WWE fired him. He claims that he quit because WWE wouldn't give him time off. He now wrestles in the wasteland that is TNA Wrestling. All in all, Kurt Angle is one intense, scary mofo.
41.) Magnus ver Magnusson [World's Strongest Man]: One reason he makes the list is due to the fact that he has the single manliest/awesome name in the history of humankind. Unlike Tarmo Mitt, he is a winner. He won four of the World's Strongest Man competition, second most of alltime. He also was once on The Daily Show. I don't know much else about him, but between the name and his accomplishments, he is pretty goddamn manly. Seriously, how about that fucking name?
1.) The person has to be male.
2.) The person has to be alive.
3.) The person has to be manly and not someone who wishes he was manly, so you won't see Quentin Tarantino or anyone like that here.
With that out of the way, let's start it up with our number 50 dude.
50.) Kurt Sutter [Writer]: Kurt Sutter makes the list for being the creator, executive producer of and lead writer for Sons of Anarchy, as well as a staff writer and producer on The Shield. For those that are not in the know, those are easily the two manliest shows on television in the past decade and the fact that he has had a hand in both shows means he must be at least a little bit manly. Also, he is married to Katey Sagal, who you might know better as Peg Bundy on Married With Children. How fucking sweet is that?
49.) Katsumi Yamada [Ninja Warrior Legend]: Katsumi Yamada is a regular contestant on the Japanese game show Ninja Warrior, which is like that ABC show Wipeout, but grueling and manly. On the show, there are four absurd obstacle course stages to clear in order to win the show. In it's history, the course has only been completed a few times. Yamada has competed in 23 Ninja Warrior competitions and has never won. It his life goal to win the show. He takes it so seriously that when the factory he worked at was shut down, he built his own fucking Ninja Warrior course so he can practice all year round in the hopes of winning. After devoting his life and time to Ninja Warrior and not finding a new career, his family disowned him. He once said, "For me there is nothing else except [Ninja Warrior]." For all that, he is called "Mr. Ninja Warrior" and has to be on this list.
48.) Tarmo Mitt [World's Strongest Man Legend]: Tarmo Mitt is owner of one of the manliest names on the list and is the only Estonian to make it. He was a top ten finisher in the always manly World's Strongest Man Competition from 2005-2008. He never won the contest, but he was a regular in the contest and his name is fucking Tarmo Mitt. That's a sweet name and he is a sweet dude.
47.) Elmore Leonard [Author]: Elmore Leonard is one of the foremost writers of pulp/mystery/crime novels over the course of the last fifty years. The following movies/TV shows have been made out of his books - Jackie Brown, Out of Sight, 3:10 to Yuma, Justified, Killshot, Mr. Majestyk, Get Shorty, Be Cool, The Big Bounce, Hombre, and Joe Kidd. These have featured such manly dudes as Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Charlie Sheen, Harvey Keitel, Charles Bronson, Gene Hackman, Timothy Olyphant, Mickey Rourke, Robert Forster, Christian Bale, and Mickey Rourke. Most of his books are pretty awesome and even though he is 85, he continues to put out a book or two a year. Not bad for an old man.
46.) Nikki Sixx [Bassist, Motley Crue]: Nikki Sixx wasn't going to make my list originally, as he is a bit of a lunkhead, hooked up with Kat Von D, and his non-Crue side projects suck. I decided he had to make it just because of the fact he was declared legally dead for two minutes after he ODed on heroin. It took two shots of adrenaline to bring him back to life, then when he went back home he shot up again, passed out with the needle in his arm and decided he had a drug problem after waking up in a pool of his own blood. It's also the impetus for him writing "Kickstart My Heart." What a sweet story.
45.) Ace Frehley [Former lead guitarist, KISS]: Ace Frehley is the all-time best member of KISS, both in terms of talent and awesomeness. In 1978, each KISS member made a solo album and his was by far the best. He also wrote the most rocking songs of the KISS catalog. His song "Shock Me" was written when he grabbed a rail on the KISS stage, was electrocuted, and almost died. He quit the band in 1982 after they decided to make a lame concept album, then quit again in 2000 when he decided Gene and Paul suck and it was time to put KISS out of its misery. He also took part in one of the greatest interviews of alltime with Tom Snyder. He makes the list because he is an awesome guitarist and all around awesome dude.
44.) Steve Nash [Point Guard, Phoenix Suns]: Steve Nash is the best Canadian player in NBA history and quite possibly the funniest. He is responsible for making basketball fun and exciting again starting in the mid-2ooos. He is also one of the toughest dudes in the modern era of the NBA. I have seen him get bodychecked into a scorer's table, elbowed in the teeth hard enough to lose one, headbutted in the nose so hard his face looked like a crime scene, and elbowed in the eye hard enough to swell it shut immediately. Each time, he hopped right back up and got right into the game again. He is one of the most intense competitors in the league, it is just too bad that his team has been a bunch of wimps over the years and don't back him up whenever he gets roughed up.
43.) Ray Lewis [Linebacker, Baltimore Ravens]: Ray Lewis has been one of the best linebackers in the NFL for a long-ass time now. He is the only linebacker to win the Super Bowl MVP and people are generally scared of him on and off the field. This ties into why I am not ranking him higher. He may or may not have killed someone. Can't get behind that. There's a line between manly and crazy and killing does in fact cross that line.
42.) Kurt Angle [Wrestler]: Kurt Angle is a 1996 gold medalist from the Olympics in wrestling and is one of the more successful pro wrestlers of the last decade. He is also one of the toughest and craziest dudes in wrestling history. First, he won the aforementioned gold medal while having a broken neck. While in the WWF/E, he was one of the most popular performers and one of the most skilled. He also rebroke his neck a handful of times to the point where he probably should have stopped working matches. This didn't stop him and before he was fired by WWE, he worked a match while suffering a neck injury, broken rib and strained hamstring all at the same time. He then failed wellness tests for steroids and had a pretty major painkiller problem. When he refused to take time off to rehabilitate, the WWE fired him. He claims that he quit because WWE wouldn't give him time off. He now wrestles in the wasteland that is TNA Wrestling. All in all, Kurt Angle is one intense, scary mofo.
41.) Magnus ver Magnusson [World's Strongest Man]: One reason he makes the list is due to the fact that he has the single manliest/awesome name in the history of humankind. Unlike Tarmo Mitt, he is a winner. He won four of the World's Strongest Man competition, second most of alltime. He also was once on The Daily Show. I don't know much else about him, but between the name and his accomplishments, he is pretty goddamn manly. Seriously, how about that fucking name?
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