Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Price Vincent Hall of Shame, the Inaugural Class

With the second round of the NBA playoffs not starting for at least another week, I figured now would be the time to begin my new feature, the Hall of Shame. For the sake of my sanity and space, I've limited the first honorees in the Hall of Shame to five items. The Hall of Fame is something that I will begin at some point in the near future with entries devoted to a single person or entity, but I have some negativity I feel like unleashing on a multitude of people. So without further ado, let the doors of the Hall of Shame open to the following inductees:

Sean Hannity: Sean Hannity manages to be the least reasonable person on Fox News, which is incredible considering the fact that they also feature Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck, Brit Hume, Oliver North, Greta Van Susteren, and Bill Kristol. His new book is a pile of tripe that makes me want to knock over the magazine and book rack at Wal-Mart every time I see it. According to Sean, everyone on Obama's staff (Obama included) are a bunch of "self-professed socialists" and "fringe activists" who are seeking to destroy America. Obama's people are fringe activists, but the Project for a New American Century (featuring Cheney and Rumsfeld) that called for a war with Iraq in 1997 and felt a "Pearl Harbor like scenario" was needed to get a war started aren't fringe activists? According to the back of the book, Hannity calls for a return to Reagan and the Contract with America to fix the country. To be fair, America is broken and needs fixing. Its broken because of the president who launched two failed wars, let a city get destroyed after a hurricane, and led with such a lack of oversight that the economy completely shit the bed. And the fucking moron (and all the cockstains on Fox News and conservative radio) forgets conveniently that the first bailout and stimulus was passed under GW Bush, not Barack Obama. Also, for the record, Reagan sucked. Not as much as Hannity however. He's a partisan hack who thinks that health care reform will cripple the country, but not tax cuts for the wealthy and wars paid for by massive deficit spending. Evidently fearmongering and saying the president hates America and plans on destroying the institutions that make the country run is also not bad for the country and certainly not nearly as bad as when the Dixie Chicks made fun of Bush. Fuck Sean Hannity.

While on the subject of partisan hacks, that brings us to our next inductee,

Bernard Goldberg: Bernie Goldberg is a Fox News contributor and author of several books decrying a liberal bias in the media. He used to work for CBS and has written a couple of books and gone on Fox frequently talking about how the media blames conservatives for everything and never mentions the liberals. Recently, he went on Fox News and said that the left wing people who oppose the new Arizona immigration statute (more on that soon) were being ignored for throwing bottles and meanwhile, the liberal media is still criticizing peaceful Tea Party protests. Real peaceful, if you ignore the weapons, signs threatening violence and the fact they are crazy, racist assholes. One would have to be to call Rep. John Lewis, a civil rights pioneer, "nigger" and shout death threats at him. He is also in a feud with Jon Stewart after he got called out for making generalizations about liberals. His three most recent books are total crocks of shit. This one names (SPOILER ALERT) Michael Moore and Hillary Clinton as the two people ruining America. It features zero, count 'em, ZERO people who would ever be considered centrist or center-right politically. This one says that the conservatives are acting wimpy while the liberals are destroying America. Right, the conservatives are wimps, since wimps ram two wars, the Patriot Act, and deregulation of vital industries down the country's throat and paint those opposed to it as anti-American. His most recent one was about the media having a love affair with Barack Obama, since Obama was forced to go on tv and denounce Rev. Wright, Bill Ayers, and prove himself to be an American because the media made these bullshit things into major stories. Fuck Bernard Goldberg. He's such a bitch and for the record, there isn't a liberal bias in the media. If there was, the millions of people who protested the Iraq War would have received more coverage and a lot fewer people would be dead in the desert.

The State of Arizona: For the record, the state itself is beautiful. Its the people who live there that are fucked. The new immigration bill is so racist that its not even funny. Essentially, police have the right to ask any resident to produce proof that they are legal residents. I think it is safe to say that they aren't going to be checking the ID and paperwork of white people. Basically, anyone who is non-white and especially Hispanic looking could be forced they live here legally. Unless I took some stupid pills back when I learned basic civics and they have yet to wear off, that is RACIAL FUCKING PROFILING! I understand that illegal immigration is an issue there, but isn't there a better way to solve that problem than basically say, "If you don't look like you come from here, you better prove you are supposed to be here"? That's a rhetorical question, because obviously there is, since this is the stupidest fucking bill in recent memory.

Now is time to change gears. If I talk politics anymore, my brain might explode.

Justin Bieber: Who the fuck is this kid? Seriously? He looks like Macaulay Culkin in the "Black or White" video, except even lamer. And what's the deal with riots breaking out in shopping malls when he performs? I didn't even know people still play concerts there. I thought that stopped once Tiffany and Debbie Gibson retired from the music industry. I saw the Ninja Turtles perform at the mall once, except it was only one Turtle (Raphael) and April. It was lame, but I imagine it was better than Justin Bieber. It seems like ever since the Beatles and the Rolling Stones turned young girls' underpants into moist towelettes, each teen idol has gotten progressively more insipd.

Last but not least, while on the topic of insipid, lets have a round of applause for the final inductee into the Hall of Shame,

Stephanie Meyer: Have you ever even seen or heard anything about vampires? Trick question, as she has already admitted she knew nothing about vampires, hence them glowing in the sunlight and not burning to a crisp. Only in America can someone write a vampire series, not know anything about vampires, and make a goddamn fortune. She managed to undo decades of work from Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and Frank Langella and make vampires completely lame. A vampire looks like this, not this. Not to mention, her books are poorly written and sexist. Bella Swan can't do anything without a man and even considers running away with Jacob. She never defends herself, or even attempts to be her own person. She just sulks, as seen by Kristen Stewart's "performance" in the movies. Her damsel in distress schtick wears thin real fast and sends the wrong message to all these teenyboppers who are into this tripe. Because of this crap, there is now the insufferable Vampire Diaries and the aforementioned film adaptations/abominations. Vampires are not supposed to be sulking, teenage romantics. They are either darkly charismatic and sinister like Bela Lugosi, sensual and sinister like Frank Langella, or just plain fucking evil like Christopher Lee. At least Angel, from the eponymous show, whooped all kinds of ass in between his sulking. Stephanie Meyer has managed to ruin vampires and vampire films for the next decade, at least. Thanks a lot, dick.

Well, that does it for this edition of the Hall of Shame. In the near future, look forward to another playoff preview, the 100 greatest albums of all time, the 100 greatest Americans of the past 100 years, and some other stuff. Feel free to leave a comment about any of the people I listed in this entry, or give me some of your nominations for the Hall of Shame.

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