Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Fifty Manliest Dudes Alive, Part Two

You can either scroll down or click here to read (or reread) Part One. With that out of the way, let's get down to it.

40.) Tommy Lee Jones [Actor]: Tommy Lee Jones is an Academy Award winning actor courtesy of The Fugitive. He should have won another one for U.S. Marshals, but there is no justice in Hollywood. He also did an awesome job voicing Chip Hazzard in the classic film Small Soldiers, which featured the voice talents of two people who also made this list. He was also Al Gore's roommate at Harvard, where he was a star offensive tackle back when football was really manly and graduated cum laude. The main reason he makes the list (besides the aforementioned U.S. Marshals) is the combination of his pockmarked, bulldoglike face and the sweetest voice that doesn't belong to Bill Pullman.

39.) Ernest Borgnine [Actor]: Ernest Borgnine appears in three of the manliest movies of all-time - The Dirty Dozen, The Wild Bunch, and Escape From New York. He is also 93 years old, which is rather impressive for a dude of his build and profession. How has he made it this long? Well, his answer to that question is possibly the manliest one ever given. Watch and learn.

38.) Charlie Sheen [Actor/convict]: Charlie Sheen is currently the highest paid actor on tv, making over a million bucks an episode for Two and a Half Men, a "comedy" on CBS. The fact that he can command that much for that show is reason enough to put him on the list. He also has quite the list of both sexual conquests and arrests. I mean seriously, the lists for both are staggering. He also is a Truther, which is pretty neat. Charlie is a pretty serious scumbag, as anyone who beats his wife/buys hookers regularly/shoots cocaine is. Despite that, he has some charisma. He was obviously the bad guy in his divorce with Denise Richards, yet he somehow came out of it as the sympathetic one. Charlie Sheen is completely ridiculous.

37.) Chuck Palahniuk [Author]: Chuck Palahniuk is the author of Fight Club, Choke, and Haunted. His books are some of the manliest around. Fight Club, in particular the character Tyler Durden, set the standard for what masculinity looked and acted like for a solid decade. How many imitation "fight clubs" were set up idiot dudes after the book and movie were released? The best part of Chuck Palahniuk being responsible for that is the fact that he is gay. Just goes to show that the creator of something manly and masculine doesn't have to be heterosexual. For that and the fact that his books are fucking awesome, he makes the list.

36.) Ron Perlman [Actor]: Ron Perlman is the modern day Lon Chaney; that is to say, he is the current era's "Man of 1,000 Faces." Right now he is on TV's manlest show, Sons of Anarchy, where he plays the leader of the Sons. Before that he played Hellboy in two awesome movies and was the Beauty in the old Beauty and the Beast TV show. With Linda Hamilton in that show, he certainly wasn't gonna play the Beast. He has also voiced Batman in a cartoon and has been in a bunch of other things where he has had to wear prosthetics. Ron makes the list because he is usually awesome in whatever he is in and his recent work has been pretty badass.

35.) Sean Connery [Actor]: Connery's inclusion on the list is obviously due to the fact he played James Bond perfectly. This was back when Bond could slap bitches, drink and smoke constantly, and be generally awesome. His James Bond set the standard for manliness for a couple generations of moviegoers until Jason Bourne went and ruined that. He was also awesome as Indiana Jones' dad and for saying, "You're the man now dog!" He probably would have been higher on the list, but Zardoz is inexcusable.

34.) Robert De Niro [Actor]: At one point, DeNiro was the greatest actor alive. Raging Bull and Taxi Driver both feature some of the greatest acting ever. He was scary as hell in Cape Fear and funny as hell in Jackie Brown. The dude became a cabbie for months to prep for Taxi Driver and put on a ton of weight to play Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. He was also the best part of Godfather II. At some point in the late 1990s and early 200s, he either gave up on being an incredible actor or was just suddenly given shit roles by movie studios because he has not been particularly impressive in a movie since Cop Land. He makes the list because of all the reasons I mentioned. His drop-off hasn't been severe enough to ignore the prior thirty years of manliness.

33.) Mark Valley [Actor]: Mark Valley is the star of FOX's Human Target, which is the manliest show on network TV. He doesn't make the list just because of this. He makes it because he is a legitimate badass, having served in the Gulf War. After that he wrote a one man show about being in the military and segued that into a career in acting. Before becoming the man on Human Target, he was the second best part of Fringe behind the dude who plays Walter Bishop. His marriage last year to Anna Torv, the most annoying member of Fringe dropped him a bit, but his divorce to her this year is mildly redeeming.

32.) Mike Ness [Lead Singer, Social Distortion]: Mike Ness is the punk rock Springsteen. He's also the coolest mother fucker in the history of life. You really need to see Social Distortion live to realize this. Mike Ness and Social D are what Green Day and Rancid wished they could be. The only reason he isn't ranked higher is due to the fact that his cowboy hat look when he does his country singing side project is totally lame.

31.) Forrest Griffin [MMA Fighter, Author]: Forrest Griffin is one of the people responsible for the explosion of the UFC due to his stint on the first season of their reality show The Ultimate Fighter. He is also mental. His newest book is called Be Ready When the Shit Goes Down: A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse. He has also been known to state that he doesn't really get involved in his fights until he eats a punch or two to the face. He has a reputation for fighting people without really giving a shit about who it is or what happens to him. Like the Anderson Silva fight, if you want to call that a fight. Points off to Forrest for running out of the cage crying like a baby after this drubbing and hiding out for months afterwards. Understandable yes, manly no.

That does it for this installment. Part three should be up in the near future.

No comments:

Post a Comment