Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Manliest Dudes Alive, Part Four

This is the next installment of the most homoerotic series in my blogging history, the Manliest Dudes Alive list.  It's been about a week since I last did anything with this, as I have been posting on the blog I share with my brother, Black Belt Basketball.  Go there if you care about anything MMA or NBA related.  With that being said, back to the list.

20.) Christian Bale [Actor]: Bale took DeNiro's method acting to a whole new level in The Machinist, and would have gotten himself down from his normal 180-200 lbs range to 120 if doctors didn't tell him he might die.  He got to 140, then put 80 back on to play Batman.  His intensity as an actor is legendary, even when on the set of a shitty Terminator film.  Homeboy didn't even break character while threatening to annihilate a lighting director.  Manly.

19.) Jesse Ventura [Wrestler/Actor/Governor/Conspiracy Theorist]: I'm probably in the vast minority of people that thinks Jesse Ventura is fucking awesome.  I would totally vote for him for President.  As a former Navy Seal, he was waterboarded and saw all kinds of crazy shit that he's more than willing to discuss.  He doesn't bullshit around.  He also takes it to Fox News every time he is on their network.  Plus, how can a man who says this not be considered manly?  Points off however, for thinking global warming is just a conspiracy.  And for possibly being insane.  But, the line between crazy and manly is a fine one.

18.) Charles Oakley [former NBA player]: As Bill Simmons quoted from an ex-NBA player in his most recent book, "Oak just don't give a fuck."  He was the enforcer on a 90s Knicks team that consisted of enforcers, Ewing, and John Starks.  He is currently an assistant on the Bobcats, where he got in trouble for grabbing an opposing team's player's shorts and trying to pants him on an inbound pass.  He is also Michael Jordan's wingman and muscle.  The best story about Charles Oakley is the time he went to another team's practice and got into a fight because their player, Tyrone Hill, owed him money from a card game because "A gentleman pays his debts."  I probably should have ranked him higher, but he was a Knick.  Fuck the Knicks.

17.) Kevin Garnett [NBA player]: Earlier, I mentioned their being a fine line between manly and crazy.  Garnett crosses it daily.  Dude just runs up and down the court swearing at no one and nothing in particular and when he cries, its because he is insane, not because he's a baby like Chris Bosh.  He wants to win so badly that he'll do anything, even punch Channing Frye in the balls or call players "cancer patients."  This dilutes his manliness and makes him petty, but he would cut his arm off like the dude from 127 Hours if it meant winning.  Gotta respect that.

16.) Tony Iommi [Guitarist for Black Sabbath]: Tony Iommi basically invented metal music with his style of playing.  The story of how he developed that sound is legendary.  He was a worker in a sheet metal factory and cut off the tips of a couple of fingers by accident.  He made up for this by making his own thimbles to cover the space where his fingertips were.  When he plays, he can't actually feel the strings because they are being pushed down by handmade prosthetics.  Chew on that the next time you hear "War Pigs" or "Supernaut," the song with the manliest riff ever.

15.) Randy Couture [MMA legend, fledgling actor]: Randy Couture is one of the greatest fighters in the history of combat sports.  He's 48 years old and still competitive in MMA and was a champion fairly recently.  He's one of only two people to win titles in two weight classes and he's done it by beating fellow legends like Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz, as well as giants with massive size advantages like Tim Sylvia.  Randy is relentless in his training and fighting style and wears people down over the course of a fight while he stays fresh.  He also bangs, marries, and divorces cocktail waitresses on a regular basis, like a grizzled George Clooney that isn't quite smart enough to stay unwed.

14.) Terry Funk [Pro Wrestling Legend]: Terry Funk has done the pro wrestling thing for like 50 years.  He's still at it, even though he walks like Foghorn Leghorn and is old enough to be Ric Flair's father.  I've seen this dude get caught in barb wire, set on fire, and launched off dangerously high precipices.  He also has the most ridiculous voice ever and was the recipient of the infamous "It's still real to me dammit!" speech.  Points off for getting paid to go to a high school gym for one of these functions.  To quote Mark Jackson, "You're better than that."

13.) Mariusz Pudzianowski [World's Strongest Man/fledgling MMA fighter/Polish pop star]: Mariusz is a five-time winner of the World's Strongest Man competition and two-time runner up.  Anyone who can do things like pull a 747 with his teeth or throw several hundred pound kegs over a bar has to be manly.  His fighting career is very much a joke, but his music career is not.  Seriously, his band Pudzian, is huge in Poland.  I don't know how manly being a Polish pop star is, but it is certainly fucking awesome.

12.) Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira [MMA Legend]: Nogueira is the greatest practitioner of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in MMA history.  Until very recently, he was known for being impossible to knock out.  He would absorb tremendous amounts of punishment in order to go for a knockout or submission.  As a small child in Brazil, he was run over by an ox car and paralyzed for a year.  He responded by becoming a Pan American Games worthy boxer and the man who taught Anderson Silva the ways of BJJ.  He also has one of the manliest faces ever, like a Brazilian Tommy Lee Jones.

11.) Henry Rollins [Modern Day Renaissance Man]: Rollins does it all, from music to spoken word to writing to acting.  He is possibly the most intense dude in alternative music history.  He's straight edge, so basically his whole career has been fueled by rage and angst.  Listening to his Rollins Band albums from Lifetime through Weight will actually make you more of a man.  The song "Do It" is a perfect example of the manly power of Rollins.  He also kicks copious amounts of ass in the movie Wrong Turn 2.  The man is a workaholic and doesn't bullshit around when it comes down to getting things done.

That's it for this installment.  More to come.

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