Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Manliest Dudes Alive, Part Three

This is a continuation of a countdown I started way back in October.  I didn't feel like writing about the Rolling Stones today, or about how Peter King is a racist douche who thinks it is ok to give to the IRA, but that Muslims are evil.  I decided to revel in masculinity in a (mostly) non-gay way.  You can scroll through the blog to find the other entrants in this list.

30.) Nick Cave [Musician/writer]:  Nick Cave is frontman for the Bad Seeds and Grinderman, two of the manliest bands ever.  All his lyrics with the Seeds were about violence and mayhem, while all his lyrics with Grinderman are about being sexually frustrated.  All manly topics, made even better by his crazy deep voice and insane vocal performances.  He also wrote the film The Proposition, the manliest Western this side of Clint Eastwood.  It featured the awesome tagline "This land must be civilized."  He also has the best scene in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

29.) Michael Jai White [Actor]:  Michael Jai White is probably most known for being Spawn, in the movie of the same title from the 1990s.  He has also been in several action movies of the direct to DVD variety.  He's a black belt in karate and could fuck people up for real.  Most importantly, he was in the most landmark film of the 2000s, Black Dynamite.  Seriously, greatest goddamn movie ever.  Also, he is playing Jax in some kind of new Mortal Kombat tv series.  He would have ranked a bit higher if he hadn't been in so many Tyler Perry movies.  Tyler Perry is not manly.

28.) Anderson Silva [MMA fighter]:  Anderson Silva is the greatest fighter in the history of MMA.  Anyone who has the balls to throw a front kick to someone's face and knock them out with it has to be manly.  Silva doesn't just beat people, he completely breaks their spirits and demoralizes them with a combination of taunting and pinpoint and devastating striking.  As Forrest Griffin said, "He makes you feel like an asshole for even trying to hit him."  There's no one in the world better than him at what he does by a large margin.  He's not ranked higher solely because he can be a bit mercurial and disengaged with fights that don't challenge him.  He kind of just toys with and makes a mockery of them, which is manly but not as manly as destroying them.  It is also more than a little bit disrespectful.  But besides that, he's a destroyer.

27.) Zakk Wylde [Musician]:  Zakk Wylde is a goddamn Viking masquerading as a guitar player.  Until recently, he was known for pounding a ridiculous amount of booze while jackhammering away on guitar.  He can't drink now, but he still crushes it on guitar.  He was Ozzy's lead guitarist for nearly two decades and was basically the only reason that Ozzy didn't lick balls.  Black Label Society is Zakk's band, and they are beastly.

26.) Fred Williamson [ex-Athlete/Actor]: Fred "the Hammer" Williamson is an ex-pro football player turned 70s blaxpoitation star.  His reputation as a player is best matched by his nickname, and the movies he has been in are fairly ridiculous.  He makes it this high because anyone who played football in the 60s is a total badass and he was totally awesome in From Dusk Till Dawn.

25.) Jason Statham [Actor]: Jason Statham is the star of the Crank and Transporter franchises and is the go-to guy for action.  I'm pretty sure it is written into his contract that there has to be at least five minutes in each film where he is shirtless while beating the shit out of a large group of people.  If you have to ask why he's on the list, you probably don't fully understand what being manly is all about.  To be honest, I'm not totally sure why I didn't rank him higher.

24.) Lyoto Machida [MMA Fighter]: Lyoto is a former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion and until early last year was undefeated.  He is a karate champion and his family actually invented their own brand of shokotan karate named Machida Karate.  He probably isn't as good as Anderson Silva, but he never talks trash and he is always all about the honor and dignity of fighting.  And his knockout of Rashad Evans is one of the manliest beatings in the history of humankind.

23.) Bobby Knight [Basketball Coach]: Bobby Knight is a legendary NCAA basketball coach, known for being a bit on the crabby side.  He's known for his controversial career.  He has some of the greatest soundbites in history.  He was viewed as being abusive towards his players, but he always had one of the highest graduation rates for his students.  I think in the history of coaches, there is no other one I would rather not have to get into a physical or verbal altercation with.

22.) George Clooney [Actor/Director/Humanitarian/Sexiest Man Alive]: George Clooney is the man.  He is possibly the best looking dude alive, acts and directs in awesome movies, tries to help solve the world's problems, and bangs twentysomethings on a regular basis while he gets older.  If you can't figure out why George Clooney is on this list, you probably don't like the fact that he makes adult movies for adult people and not bullshit like Avatar.  With little to no exception, if Clooney's name is attached to it, it is quality be it movie or charity or what have you.

21.) Tony Jaa [Actor/Martial Artist]: Tony Jaa is the star of Ong Bak and The Protector, two of the best martial arts based action films in a long time.  He does his own stunts and whoops all kinds of ass.  He even directs his own movies now.  Anyone who can do this is obviously a total badass and manlier than the vast majority of people.

That's it for now.  I'll probably update this again soon.  Be sure to read my other blog, as that is getting updated more frequently.  The site is Black Belt Basketball.

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